Why Does It Feel So Good To Cancel Plans?

There should be a small graveyard for all the times I've said "let's hang out" and never did, and a massive cemetery for all the "sorry, something came up" texts I've sent. Canceling plans is unfortunately my thing. The small twangs of guilt about not hanging out with a friend are just not as strong as the blissful freedom I feel sitting alone and doing absolutely nothing — but that's just my opinion. In the words of Beyoncé, "Freedom! Freedom! I can't move" (from my couch). The truth is, at any given moment, there's probably one to one billion unopened Facebook events that you can pretend you haven't seen, and the world will keep spinning. And even plans with friends you see all the time are destined to fall through the cracks if you don't put in the effort to follow up. But is that bad? "If it regularly feels good to cancel plans, those plans probably shouldn't have been made in the first place," says Andrea Bonior, PhD, LCP, author of The Friendship Fix. "The question is, why are you making plans if you don't want to keep them?" Fair point. Answer: Because if I pretend like I'm interested at first, it will feel less bad for both parties when I have to cancel. In many cases, you're just saying yes to things out of guilt, Dr. Bonior says. "You think, I can't say no at first, but as hard as it is to say no, it's better than flaking at the last minute," she says. Waiting for the possibility of the other person bailing first is also just not a good idea. "You're going to end up disappointing someone, so you might as well front-load the disappointment," Dr. Bonior says. When you say yes to plans you know you're going to flake on, it leads to expectation of flaking and you become the "unreliable" friend, Dr. Bonior says. "Some of it is social anxiety," she says. "You have the best intentions, then the party approaches and you freak out and don't want to go." If that sounds like you, then Dr. Bonior says you should examine your social anxiety with a professional and figure out ways to work on it. It's also completely valid to have bitten off more than you can chew in a day and want to have some alone time, she says. There's also sort of a rebellious pleasure and relief when you feel like you're in charge of your plans. "You're reasserting control, and that's a sign that you got roped into the plans in the first place," Dr. Bonior says. "It's like, You made me say yes, but I wasn't allowed to say no, so now I'm asserting control." Now that, I get. I have very solid, lasting friendships with people I see IRL when I want to. But when certain plans happen in certain scenarios that I don't enjoy (like going to a loud bar) actually roll around, the thought of ripping myself away from the thing I have going on alone (petting my dog, watching Bridgerton, scrolling through TikTok — pressing stuff) just isn't worth it, so I cancel. Taking Dr. Bonior's advice, what I should be doing is just changing the plans so that they're actually something I want to do. Another thing to consider: Maybe I'm just lazy? Maybe we all are, honestly. "We make plans in such a casual way that it's easy to use technology to cancel on someone," she says. "If you were invited by text, you can cancel by text and not hear their disappointment." (Of course, technology isn't all evil, because there are tons of ways you can keep in touch with your friends, especially far-flung ones, on social media and never leave the couch). But Bonior says it's worth it to just put in a little effort to make and keep plans, otherwise you "miss out on a chance to have intimacies in friendships," she says. Those plans can be hanging on the couch, or going to the club, but they just have to be an activity you actually want to do with people you actually want to see. So yeah, does anyone want to hang out this weekend? I'm doing nothing.

From Public to Private: The Taliban’s Quest to Erase Afghan Women

The plight of women in Afghanistan under Taliban rule has been a tragic tale of suppression, and their latest edict banning glass windows in homes to prevent women from being seen by outsiders is another alarming step in their relentless attack on women's freedoms. This decision not only highlights the Taliban's extreme interpretation of gender segregation but also underscores the lengths to which they are willing to go to erase women from public and private spaces.

A New Dimension to Isolation 

Under the guise of maintaining moral order, the Taliban’s decree requires families to obscure windows in their homes, effectively cutting off women from any interaction or visibility with the outside world. This measure, according to Taliban authorities, is meant to uphold their version of "modesty" by ensuring that women are neither seen nor heard by anyone outside their immediate household. According to a statement released on December 29, 2024, by Taliban government spokesman Zabihullah Mujahid, new buildings should not have windows through which it is possible to see “the courtyard, kitchen, neighbour’s well, and other places usually used by women.” The decree claims that “seeing women working in kitchens, in courtyards, or collecting water from wells can lead to obscene acts.” Municipal authorities are instructed to monitor construction sites to ensure compliance, and homeowners with existing windows are encouraged to build walls or otherwise obstruct views. Fourteen million girls and women in Afghanistan have been effectively erased from society. They are banned from every aspect of life—education, work, public spaces, and now even private visibility. Women are virtually invisible today. In three years under Islamic rule, the Taliban has methodically curtailed women's existence. Now, with this new ban, women can't even be visible in private. The Taliban seems to be running out of things to ban, creating new restrictions like this under the pretense of "preventing obscenity." And yet, their hypocrisy is glaring. While they claim to protect morality, reports reveal their brutality. For instance, a woman who reported being raped by officials in jail was arrested instead. What about that? How does this fit into their narrative of morality?

Compounding the Crisis

This ban on windows comes on the heels of numerous other draconian restrictions imposed by the Taliban since their return to power in 2021. These include bans on girls' education beyond elementary school, prohibitions on women working for NGOs, and restrictions on women's movement without a male guardian. The cumulative effect of these rules has created a dystopian reality for Afghan women, robbing them of their basic human rights and dignity. 

The Psychological Toll 

Living in enforced isolation can have devastating psychological consequences. For women who are already reeling from the loss of their educational and professional opportunities, the restriction on windows exacerbates their sense of imprisonment. The lack of natural light and visibility can lead to mental health challenges such as depression, anxiety, and a profound sense of hopelessness. Impact on Families and Society While the Taliban purport that these measures are aimed at protecting women, the reality is that such policies destabilize families and communities. By stripping women of their agency, the Taliban also weaken the social fabric of Afghan society. Families are left to navigate a world where their daughters, sisters, and mothers are reduced to mere shadows, cut off from education, work, and even sunlight. 

Global Response 

The international community has expressed outrage over these restrictions, but tangible action has been limited. Humanitarian organizations operating in Afghanistan face immense challenges in reaching and supporting women, especially with the Taliban's ban on women working in NGOs. Diplomatic efforts to pressure the Taliban have so far been met with resistance, leaving Afghan women with little hope for immediate relief. 

Afghan Women’s Resilience

Despite the grim circumstances, Afghan women continue to demonstrate remarkable resilience. From secret schools to underground movements advocating for women's rights, their courage in the face of oppression is a testament to their strength. However, these efforts require global support to amplify their voices and provide them with the resources they need to survive and thrive. 

A Call to Action

The ban on windows is a stark reminder of the Taliban's intent to erase women from Afghan society. It is imperative for the international community to act decisively. Governments, NGOs, and individuals must work together to provide humanitarian aid, advocate for women's rights, and hold the Taliban accountable for their actions. Afghan women deserve more than just words of support; they deserve concrete action that ensures their safety, freedom, and dignity. Only through collective global effort can we hope to bring light back into the lives of Afghanistan's women—both figuratively and literally.